What Is Intimacy?

What do you think of when you think of intimacy? Is it something you know well? Or maybe wish to know well? Have you ever experienced true intimacy? If you were raised in a caring household in which emotions and love were easily communicated between parent and child, then maybe you have experienced a good example of intimacy, but if you were raised or are even still being raised in a household where showing emotions or conveying love is seen as weak or not okay in some way, then you probably aren’t very familiar with intimacy. We all have a general idea of what intimacy is, but we’ll go ahead and define it as a close, familiar, and loving connection with another person or group. To quote Nathan Martin, “Think of intimacy as a pipeline through which we are able to give and receive love, without it, love cannot flow within a relationship.” Some will define intimacy as an act, simply something you do for or how you treat someone you love, however, intimacy is not just an act of love, it is the tool that allows love to flow.

If you’re anything like me, society has probably skewed your perception of relationships. Love songs, romance novels, and chick flicks have greatly raised my expectations of what a relationship should look like. I meet a boy and BAM! I expect the fireworks, I expect us to be able to read each other’s mind, always know what the other wants, and when we have sex, the ground better move beneath my feet! However, I’ve been in a considerable amount of relationships and I can tell you, I have never experienced this. While this is partly due to the fact that this kind of relationship is set to fairytale expectations, it is also because a relationship close to this would require an ability to be truly intimate.

To allow intimacy, one must be vulnerable, safe, and authentic. Typically however intimacy is unachievable because of fear. If you have a fear of intimacy, don’t worry, this is a major problem for most of the world. Now this fear can be caused by a variety of reasons, though generally it’s caused by learning submission from your parents as a child. If you look at the Feelings Wheel, intimacy and submission are opposites. Therefore, it is easy for someone to seek intimacy through submission. However, since intimacy and submission are opposites, it is impossible to feel intimacy when you’re feeling submissive, and vice versa.

As a child most of us learned that staying out of trouble required submission to the authority of our parents; not only to stay out of trouble, but submission was required to appease our parents expectations of us all the time. If we did not submit, our parents were angry and we were punished,  but if we did submit, we were rewarded with love or intimacy and approval. This instilled the belief that submission=love, resulting in feeling like you must submit in future relationships to gain love, but also that you must be submitted to, to give love.

In romantic relationships I have come to realize, even in myself, that a desire for intimacy through submission can be easily recognized in sex. For many of us, sex and eroticism insinuates intimacy, however, real sex comes out of an ability to be intimate. Intimacy is sought through sex because love and sexuality can be easily confused. Just because you have an intimate connection with someone, doesn’t mean that you need to be sexual with them! If someone has a strong desire for an intimate connection with someone though, it is easily expressed through a strong sexual desire for that person. In my experience, such a need for intimacy can also result in masochistic tendencies in which you are enjoying being dominated or abused by the person you want a connection with because this way, you are having to (key word) submit to them. Being physically harmed is also a way to try to feel vulnerable. However, this is not the vulnerability you need for intimacy. Intimacy requires an emotional vulnerability or openness. Also through this dominator/dominatee relationship, you are trying to fulfill your male and female energies–something needed for a male/female intimacy– just in a not-so-healthy way.

If we continue to search for intimacy through submission, it won’t be found.  Having an intimate connection is impossible when submission is used. Instead, learn to be vulnerable and authentic, allow the love to flow!  Here is a link for a good tapping script for intimacy blockages!:)  http://freewitheft.com/tapping-into-intimacy/

About the Author:

Hi, my name is Lauren Willis:) I am 17 years old and I live in Waco, TX for now! I have been using EFT for almost a year now. I was introduced to EFT in May of 2012 by Nathan Martin, and since then it has become my favorite technique for working on eliminating negative emotional blockages and becoming happier in general!^^ I think tapping is a great way to improve life which is why I use it all the time!:D Right now, I’m working on developing a “Tapping for Teens” program to reach out to people closer to my age and show them all the wonderful things that can come out of EFT. In an attempt to get things rolling, I am also beginning to write blogs to be put here on freewitheft.com, so hope y’all enjoy!

Disclaimer #1: The information and coaching I provide is intended to educate, inform, and inspire you on your personal journey towards optimal health. It is not intended to replace a one-on-one relationship with a qualified health care professional, nor is it intended as medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If you are under the care of any health professionals, I strongly encourage you to discuss modifications in your diet, lifestyle, exercise program, nutrition, or use of EFT (Meridian Tapping) with them prior to making any changes, and never discontinue or reduce prescription medications without consulting your doctor or pharmacist. Disclaimer #2: Although this blog is not a large money maker for me, I still do make something from it each month. I do this via generous donations from my readers (via the PayPal "donate" button on the right of each article), but also from affiliate links within my blog posts. Any link to a book will generate a few pennies for me from Amazon.com should you purchase it. Also, I will make a small commission from any product purchased from my advertising on the right side of each blog post.