Love as a Weapon
Being a relationship “runner” is a common method of dealing with the fear of intimacy, so much so that a movie called “Runaway Bride” was created about the topic. Running away from relationships may be seen as being a commitment-a-phobe, but I believe that running away is a learned behavior taught to us as children, the ultimate in punishing another human being, one in which our very love becomes a destructive weapon. On one side, you have the person who is afraid of being punished with love, and on the other side, you have the person who is punishing with love…and the two will flip flop regularly within the relationship, doing this odd dance of love, anger, punishment, and fear.
On the feelings wheel, “anger” is the opposite feeling of being “powerful”, so then, when we’re angry, we’re feeling “powerless”. It is very natural to feel triggered and powerless in our relations with others, as they reflect our childhood traumas and beliefs about life. If you’re a regular reader, you know that I deal a lot in the hidden messages that our parents and loved ones sent into our lives as children, not just the verbal ones; and it is these hidden messages that really sink in and create our self concept.
When a parent gets mad at their child, the hidden message “you are responsible for my feelings and can make me powerless” is transmitted to them. When that anger is accompanied by sending them to their room, or the parent going to their room, the hidden message “I will withhold love from you until you get into line” is sent. I have even seen cases where a parent feels so powerless that they would tell their children that they were leaving them because they wouldn’t behave, or pack their children’s bags and put them outside, all in an attempt to gain their power back…as if a small child could actually render an adult powerless.
In other extreme cases, the threat of losing love is levied on those within religious organizations, where a person or child who leaves their faith will be ostracized and lose their family as a punishment. There are all kinds of variations as to how this destructive hidden message can be sent to young and impressionable minds, but know this, children do learn to withhold love as a form of manipulation and control from a very early age.
Parents will do this to their children to show them that they mean business, that they better get in line or they will be without their love, even if only for a small amount of time. Punishing kids with the threat of losing love…or at least what they thought was love, using it as a means to control and manipulate to keep them in line. This teaches children to be afraid of losing love, NOT to know how to BE loved! This is unfortunate, because we have a planet full of people who understand love as a means of controlling others and not as a means of relating and connecting.
This can create all kinds of anxiety later in life; if a text isn’t returned in a timely fashion, if a phone call is not returned, if plans are changed or cancelled without much notice, if a partner is out with a friend. You name it, having been the brunt of a “withholding love bomb” will cause all kinds of insecurity. …Am I in trouble? Are you going to leave me? What did I do?
A “withholding love bomb” victim will require extra validation within their relationships, they will need the constant reminder that they’re going to keep being loved. To get close to a partner and to be intimate means that they put themselves in a vulnerable position to lose romantic love and be punished by them…so they may not seem to be needy on the outside, but the closer to a commitment that they get, they may need constant validation from their partners or be afraid of commitment. This places them in a position where they are perpetually stuck in a catch 22 where they desire love, but know that love is a weapon that will eventually be yielded against them. So then, the safest form of love is the honeymoon phase of all relationships, where there is little attachment or fear of getting hurt.
Additionally, a “withholding love bomb” victim will also tend to withhold love from others in an attempt to gain their own personal power back should the supposed perpetrator not get into line with their beliefs or demands. This is where “running” comes into play, as love is incrementally withheld to gain their power back, until the only way to feel powerful and get the other into line is to leave the relationship completely. There’s nothing wrong with a relationship ending, however, doing so as a means of control is destructive and hurtful to everyone involved. Of course we’re afraid of intimacy and love, we’ve all been conditioned to use it as a weapon!!!
The withholding love dynamic passes down from parents to children generationally until somebody takes ownership of the pattern and heals it. Here is my EFT tapping script for healing this generational pattern:
SETUP STATEMENTS
Even though I was taught to withhold love as a means of control, I choose to break this generational pattern and love, accept, and forgive myself.Even though my parents would withhold love from me to make me do what they wanted me to do as a child, I choose to let that pattern go and love, accept, and forgive myself.
Even though my mom (or dad) threatened to leave me to get me in line, I choose to love, accept, and forgive myself.
Even though I have withheld love from others in an attempt to gain my power back, I choose to stop using love as a weapon and love, accept, and forgive myself.
Even though I have used running as a means of punishing in past relationships, I choose to love, accept, and forgive myself.
NEGATIVE TAPPING PHASE
My parents threatened me with love…My parents withheld love from me…
My parents shamed my feelings and withheld love from me to get me into line…
My parents controlled me with love…
My parents punished me by withholding love…
I felt so lonely and afraid when my parents withheld love…
I felt afraid that my parents would withhold love from me if I didn’t do what they wanted me to do…
I have felt powerless and controlled others using love…
I have withheld love from others out of anger and fear…
I have punished my loved ones and friends with the threat of losing my love…
POSITIVE TAPPING PHASE
Maybe I no longer need this pattern of withholding love…?Maybe I no longer need to attract people who withhold love as a means of punishment…?
Maybe withholding love is not a good way to gain my power back…?
Maybe I can love and be loved without the threat of losing it should I not live up to expectations…?
Maybe I can stop placing expectations on myself and others in relationships…?
Maybe I can offer my love unconditionally to those I relate to…?
I choose to stop being afraid of losing love from those I relate to…
I allow myself to love unconditionally without holding back…
I choose to drop the idea of love as a weapon…
I choose to love, accept, and forgive myself…
I’m sure that we’ve all done it to some extent… What are your experiences in regards to parents who use love as a weapon? What about using love as a form of control within your romantic relationships? Friendships? Please comment below, I would love to hear your feedback!
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Another excellent article Nathan!!! I think my spirit guides were actually driving the car to deliver me to meet with you at the Lotus.(They are hoping you can help the “Runaway Bride/Wife” not to mess up once again 🙂 Your articles hit home. I have been tapping with the phrases in hopes they will help. Everything you write about makes perfect senses and I understand what I need to change-it’s just easier (of course) said than done. Perhaps this pattern I have created within doesn’t know how to shut off feelings of not wanting to be controlled or how to stop my thinking love means being submissive. I will keep tapping in hopes it will change this crazy path of mine. Thank you SO MUCH for your blog and articles! They are a true blessing.
Wow, thank you for the thoughtful comment Trinie! Yes, I think you can heal anything you decide to heal, and don’t necessarily think you can make the wrong choice in your current relationship. The important thing is, making the choice from the correct space, the one of unconditional love. Unconditional love does not mean that you will last always and forever, it just means that you will love them no matter what. You’re right, all of this is easier said than done, however, maybe it’s all just a matter of “practice makes perfect”? I have learned, the more failures, the more I am able to succeed and enjoy my success! That makes failure an integral part of the process of succeeding in life, right?
I will leave you with a beautiful quote from OSHO, in his “Being in Love” book:
“…love is such a delicate flower that you cannot force it to be permanent. You can have plastic flowers; that’s what people have–marriage, their family, their children, their relatives, everything is plastic. Plastic has one very spiritual thing: it is permanent. Real love is as uncertain as your life is uncertain. …a real love will also change.”
Be well Trinie, I look forward to continuing our dialogue! 😉
using love as a weapon is a hopeless game, since everybody who plays, is a loser. I could know, I am an expert at it.
Oh how I love having a boyfriend. Only then do I feel ‘enough’. Well, those minutes that I get compliments, I feel enough. The rest of the time I do everything in my power to be everything I think he wants me to be.
Which of course just leads to inner frustration, since it’s much more fun to just be myself.
But I have learned from a young age that I could never be enough no matter what.
That I am always Plan B, as you mentioned in a previous article, so feeling like a constant plan B, I have taught myself to be a very well armed young girl, with love and affection as love and punishment.
Poor, poor men who enter my inner circle.
Bless you for giving me magnificent tapping scripts.
My life changed drastically within 24 hours after tapping about shifting from Plan B to being Plan A.
Some people stopped contacting me immediately. They dropped me like a hot potato. And it feels good! They had me in their lives for the wrong reasons. I was only meant to be a fill of a gap in time, if their real friends didn’t have time.
Now I am more well aware of my boundaries and my self-worth, so people with the intention of using me as Plan B automatically feel they have to play their game elsewhere.
And now, yet another destructive pattern in my life will dissolve. Thankyou Nathan!
Who knows, maybe one day Mr Right will come on my path…And I will be pure and clear and enjoy a healthy, mutual love…Wow.
Wow, what an inspirational and transparent comment Martina! Thank you for sharing your progress with me and my readers! I am happy that you are healing so many of your harmful patterns, and learning to love yourself more deeply as a result! Mr. Right will come along, when you are Ms. Right and love yourself as such! *big hugs* Thank YOU again Martina, you’re such a beautiful person!
Nathan, this is an amazing article. I have always noted the truth in your articles but none hits home more thoroughly than this one. This information is as informative and transformational as the session I was so fortunate to have with you.
I could be very explicit in my history of “running” and disallowing myself to be hurt by anyone’s withdrawal of love even to the extent of just lowering the bar to those I knew would be unable to do that even if I was unable to love them to that extent in return. I have at least over the last few years become comfortable being alone and looking at all of those issues differently. Now its time for a deeper shift.
What really brought me to tears is the fact that my oldest already is (at 5) using the “I don’t love you Mom, I don’t want you anymore” with me and more troubling saying the same of his brother and himself. Obviously a much needed article in my life as well as theirs.
I just sat down with my oldest and we had a conversation about “time outs” and how Mommy apologizes for them and that when he and I butt heads on what I want him to do versus what he wants to do, rather than either of us becoming upset we need to talk about it. He gathered some stuff and walked out to play.
Thank you Nathan *hugs*
I appreciate your openness and transparency Beth, especially on an issue as foundational as this one. You are not alone, we have all used love as a weapon to one extent or another, I am glad that you have the fortitude to admit that you have, and have passed it on to your children. Healing this within you via the EFT script is an amazing first step to take, as it will make you immune to other’s attempts at withholding love from you, and remove your own penchant for withholding love from those you care about. A great second step though, so that you can feel in control of your life, is to look up the book “Parenting with Love and Logic”. Although I am sure that in your particular parenting situation, you will need to be flexible with the book’s advice, I still think it can and will go a long way to assisting you to raise your children with a healthy self concept and understanding of love. Warm regards and much love my friend! *hugs* 😉
This really is amazing Nathan.. Definitely hits home but I’m finding myself overwhelmed about where I would start on addressing such things!
No need to start, just tap along to the script Kylie! Of course, say them all a few times before moving on to the next one… 😉 Le’me know if ya need any assistance, I can get’cha started in the right direction. *big hugs*
Wow. This is huge for me. I didn’t see it this way. I have never had a successful relationship. Indeed it did start with my mother. So much so that she self destructed at the age of 48. Even her death was a way to show us that we made her life so miserable that she would rather actively pursue death. Although truly we were very good children. It was just her perspective. Wow. I need to go have a cry.
I appreciate your candid response and peek into your life April. This kind of honest evaluation of your life will assist you in making the changes necessary to enjoy successful relationships, even for the first time. Please let me know if there is any way in which I can assist you. Be well my marvelous friend! <3
Hi Nathan,
Your article could not have been any more timely or on the spot. I just wanted to offer you my profuse gratitude. The pattern you describe has been in my family for years and this January my 16 year old son took his life as the ultimate form of withholding love… Sadly he learned this pattern from me and my husband, which we learned from our parents and on and on. I am no longer willing to participate in this destructive act. Thank you for giving me the clarity to release it from my consciousness.
Dana
Dana, thank you for your transparency and gratitude. I can see how your son has become your teacher, and you his student. I fully support you and your family as you continue on your journey of releasing this pattern from your lives. Thanks again for your comment, I appreciate you and it!