Are You In Love With Your Stories?

Have you ever heard a couple (or been that couple) in an argument where both feel the need to present their side of the story? Where an invisible, or not so invisible, mediator must weigh the merits of each argument? It is done in the name of feeling “heard”. Just like in a court of law, no matter how right one side seems to be, both sides always seem to lose. I once heard it stated that “being right is the booby prize in a relationship”, and although I agree, I think that we can go a little deeper.

What is a story? I believe it is our rationale based on our experiences, and nothing more. Why do we need to tell “our side” of an argument, our story, when we feel treated unfairly?

We seem to create our stories, and be in love with them, for one basic reason, but with two variations:

1. Because we gain our self-esteem from external rather than internal sources.

a. Because we gain something from them.

b. Because they protect us from repeating painful past experiences.

Self-Esteem

There are eight categories of self that make up our self-esteem: finances, weight, physical fitness, sexuality, career, religion/spirituality, health, and friendships (relationships). When all of these areas are unified within us, we are a healthy and happy unified soul. But to the degree that we draw self worth from any of these categories, we are fragmented from self, and we will suffer with at least some low self-esteem issues.

 

When one or more of these areas provide us with our self worth and one of them feels threatened, our ego will fight to protect it. And that is where our stories come into play, they are the framework in which we protect our supposed source of well being; and hence “being right” is nothing more than a survival instinct.

According to my mentor, Sid Harris, ego is all of our words and thoughts. Ego needs to control, to judge, it compares us to others, and it attempts to edge God out by creating separation. Ego is the programming that we receive as young children through the age of six, thus it is our earthly personality. Everything else from six and on is merely seen through the lens of this programming, as our ego seeks to reinforce our beliefs about our self and the world around us. If this is true, then anything that is contrary to this early programming will trigger our survival instinct, our need to be right, regardless of the merits of the situation.

Translation

When we get into an argument with a loved one, we attempt to prove our point by using a story, hoping to show how “right” we are. We might even fashion a very elaborate story to prove how REALLY right we are, living in a constant state of one-upmanship. If we are wrong, we conclude, our personal value is diminished. How could somebody love us when our value is so low? And so we will concoct any story, and act upon it, to prove that we are right, even to the detriment of our most prized relationships. The irony is that we destroy our loving relationships in order to feel worth loving. It is a paradox that only our ego can comprehend.

When our self-esteem comes from outside sources, rather than internal ones, our ego is in full control. But when we are confident from within, and draw our self worth and value from who we are, rather than what other people think of us, we are living in the moment, it is a state of being where our soul shines through. I have heard several authors call this a state of human being rather than of human doing. Who needs a story when you are aware of the infinite amount of love that you have stored within yourself?

Our Stories Secure Something

I first heard this concept from Hale Dwoskin of the Sedona Method. He believes that we keep certain stories around because they are self serving, that they sometimes protect us from a painful past, and that they even uphold beliefs, limiting or otherwise. I will give you an example of a story that I carried for many years.

I had back pain since I got out of high school. Years later I pulled a muscle in my back lifting weights, and seemed to reinjure it regularly. I went to a chiropractor to treat my back, and discovered that I had a mild case of scoliosis (curvature of the spine).

This past year, I realized that my back pain was self serving, that it was a story that my ego concocted based on a belief that I could only recognize love from women if I was getting a back rub. In order to assure myself of love, I would create tightness in my back, which would pull my spine to the left, and secure much needed female attention.

As a result of my back problems, I got a lot of back rubs! About ten months ago I did a releasing session on it, and I connected a memory of my mother giving me back rubs every morning when I was two with the feelings of not being lovable (my Mom had difficulty connecting with people emotionally). After that, the problem area on my back became very hot, as energy physically released from it. I have not had back pain in that fashion since, and my spine has straightened out.

Now that is one heck of a story, eh? In my case, my ego was securing female attention for me, because I was programmed to receive love through physical touch on my back.

Our Stories Protect Us

There are times when our stories protect us from our past pain. We will stubbornly stick to them, even if our ship is sinking, as long as we are allowed to continue to guard our seeming inadequacies. We will angrily defend ourselves and use our story as justification to keep those past skeletons in our closet, the ones that tell us that nobody will love us if they are exposed.

These stories mean well, they are attempting to protect us from our deep seeded feelings of inadequacy. Even so, they are actually self serving, no matter how right we are in the moment, for they do not promote love, healing, or well being within our relationships. Make no mistake, we can be completely assertive and protect our boundaries in a healthy way without hiding behind a story as our defense.

An Exercise

Here is a fun exercise that I learned from the Sedona Method which proves how silly our stories can be. The next time you find yourself in an argument, instead of defending yourself with a story, just say “I’m right” back and forth. Notice how your feelings and tension will still escalate as if you were telling your story. Next, stop saying “I’m right” and start saying “You’re right” in a conciliatory tone (not condescending, that will not be productive). Notice how the argument de-escalates and the both of you get more sensitive to each other’s needs. This exercise proves that the story is just a smoke screen intended to throw you off the scent from the real skeletons in your closet, your early programming.

Results

So you see, the story just clogs the real issue at hand and isn’t needed for healing and reconciliation. True healing can come from recognizing the feelings involved, honoring them within yourself, and changing your perspective. A perspective change usually involves identifying, and then eliminating, a limiting belief.

Here is how I use EFT to find and eliminate false beliefs:

1. Ask yourself what issue you’re having in the moment?
2. Ask yourself what feeling is connected to this issue?
3. What is the message that the particular feeling is sending you (I use The Secret Language of Feelings by Calvin Banyan, to help answer this question)?
4. When was the first time before the age of six where you had this feeling in this way? The first memory that pops into your head is usually the culprit.
5. Create a setup statement that addresses steps 1-4.
6. Tap on the Karate Chop point with your setup statement.
7. Tap through the points, both positive and negative, using the setup statement as your guide.
8. Rinse and repeat steps 1-7 like you’re peeling back the layers of an onion. It should only take a few rounds per feeling.

And that’s it! Instead of being in love with your stories, completely remove them from the equation. Then you’ll be free enough to chase down the true culprit, your ego based self-esteem (fragmented self). Owning your feelings and beliefs instead of winning an argument is ultimately the only viable answer that provides true satisfaction!

Disclaimer #1: The information and coaching I provide is intended to educate, inform, and inspire you on your personal journey towards optimal health. It is not intended to replace a one-on-one relationship with a qualified health care professional, nor is it intended as medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If you are under the care of any health professionals, I strongly encourage you to discuss modifications in your diet, lifestyle, exercise program, nutrition, or use of EFT (Meridian Tapping) with them prior to making any changes, and never discontinue or reduce prescription medications without consulting your doctor or pharmacist. Disclaimer #2: Although this blog is not a large money maker for me, I still do make something from it each month. I do this via generous donations from my readers (via the PayPal "donate" button on the right of each article), but also from affiliate links within my blog posts. Any link to a book will generate a few pennies for me from Amazon.com should you purchase it. Also, I will make a small commission from any product purchased from my advertising on the right side of each blog post.